I'll do that when Hell freezes over.
I'll do that when Satan is on ice.
This is the Frequently Given Answer to such statements.
Go do it now, then.
According to Dante Alighieri's Inferno, the 9th circle of Hell, the innermost circle, is a vast frozen lake of ice in which are imprisoned various kinds of traitors. In the centre of that lake is Satan, cooling the lake by fanning his wings.